A Suggestion for Trolls



Hi, Trolls.

You know, it’s really great how you guys can get rises out of people just by saying things you know are socially inappropriate or whatever. It’s hilarious that people are upset over something so meaningless as what you wrote over the internet! Can they really be so stupid and self-important that they think you don’t know what you’re doing is wrong? Don’t you just want to grab a bowl of popcorn while you read all the drama you’ve created?

Well, I’m afraid to say this but potentially, you’ve been missing out. Big time.

I’m going to let you know how you can real responses from people with the same safety and satisfaction as being a troll. It’s quite simple, especially if  you live in an urban area with a subway system.

  • Go to an enclosed space where you’ll be surrounded by strangers.
  • Wait for it to fill up and for people to be stuck with you either physically or because they’ve spent too much time waiting to feel comfortable with leaving.
  • Crap your pants as hard as you can.
  • Grin knowingly, expressing that you are lucid and that the preceding act was deliberate.
  • Socialize with everyone you can as an excuse to walk around the car.

Think about it: Everyone has read every insult you can think of plenty of times, but no line of text on the internet can assault them on the level that would. It comes with no legal risks and, what’s more, initially much more plausible deniability. People might even pity you before they realize what you’re really up to. So you’ll get the rise out people, and you’ll also know you’re smarter than them. You’ll know how ridiculous what they’re thinking is. Of course you better than to shit your pants, you’ve simply made the choice to. And the rise you can get out of people is so great: They’ll often even gag or say “ew!”

Or if you want, you can just keeping doing what you’re doing. That’s just as good, really.